


Sadness

by killerkanato



Series: The Emotions Dilogy [2]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Blood, Break Up, Depression, F/M, Graphic Description, Mental Breakdown, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:09:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26395438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerkanato/pseuds/killerkanato
Summary: If I must drown in my sorrow, at least give me this.-Nancy is consumed with sadness and searches for a way out.[This is a prequel-sequel to Love. This is the story of what happened to Nancy and what caused Mike's own depression]
Relationships: Jonathan Byers/Nancy Wheeler
Series: The Emotions Dilogy [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1776820
Kudos: 4





	1. ;pain

**Author's Note:**

> ✿ATTENTION: This is based off of SEASON ONE Jancy, the Jonathan and Nancy you read about are the Jonathan and Nancy from DIRECTLY AFTER season one✿
> 
> ◾️if you are sensitive to depression, suicide, or self-harm, PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION or don't read at all.  
> There are warnings at the beginning of chapters that need it.  
> Stay safe. Please◾️

_Pain._  
_Pain isn't a feeling anymore._  
_Pain is my life._  
_Pain envelopes me whole, coiling around me like vines._  
_Desperate cries pour from my throat._  
_He does not care, nor does he comfort my shaking hands._  
_'You're overreacting.'_  
_'Stop being ridiculous.'_  
_I cry more._  
_Extra pain flows through my veins, my eyes burning with sadness._  
_Why must he deny it?_  
_He talks to me as if it's no big deal._  
_Loss is all I feel, it intoxicates me._  
_I have killed my best friend._  
_I have taken away her chance at life._  
_I cry until my throat aches, but he does not come._  
_His hand pushes through perfected hair._  
_I feel the urge to throw up my insides, but I do no such thing._  
_I just cry more when realizing his views._  
_'Steve, we killed Barb!'_  
_I yell, but nothing._  
_He shakes his head._  
_Thorns pierce my heart as he walks away._  
_Hurtful words of finality drip from his lips._  
_My legs give._  
_Weak hands catch my fall as I sit down roughly._  
_I cry._  
_Pain spreads further and further._  
_It's as if I'm a pitcher overflowing with water._  
_I know I'll spill, I just can't be sure of when._  
_Please, let me last the night._  
_If I must drown in my sorrow, at least give me this._  
_It is all I ask._  
_Make the pain go away._


	2. ;fill

_Tears soak my pillow._   
_Nothing but sadness._   
_Nothing but pain._   
_Release me, pain, please._   
_I have nothing for you._   
_I have been scraped dry._   
_Why do you still search?_   
_My body is void._   
_A hollow shell._   
_If you have scraped me dry, pain, then why try to make more room?_   
_Fill me already._   
_Challenge my limits._   
_Force me to endure your evil, evil punishment._   
_I deserve to hurt._   
_Please._   
_Fill me._   
_Fill my every crack and crevice._   
_Give me hell, dear pain._   
_I deserve to feel the breath be stolen from my lungs._   
_I deserve to endure my heart being shred to pieces._   
_I deserve_ _ you _ _._   
_And then my body finds serenity._   
_Pain is here._   
_Pain is warm._   
_A warm embrace._   
_Oh, dear pain, was this your aim?_


	3. ;blank

_Blank._   
_Everything is blank._   
_I feel nothing._   
_Why is this such a beautiful thing?_   
_I can't feel my hurt._   
_I can't feel my pain._   
_Pain is here, I feel it ringing in my bones, but it does not affect me._   
_It does not wear me down._   
_It is almost as if an old friend is visiting._   
_Familiar._   
_Exhilarating._   
_My skin tingles with false joy._   
_Flesh itches with false hope._   
_Is this what pain is?_   
_If this is you, dear pain, why do I feel so free?_   
_I am blank._   
_I feel nothing at all._   
_And nothing is my everything._   
_ You _ _are my everything, my precious pain._


	4. ;white

_Lies._   
_My ears ring with the weight of my own lies._   
_I told myself pain was bliss._   
_Blank was good._   
_ Nothing _ _was_ _ happy _ _._   
_But I have been lied to._   
_Cheated._   
_Pain is hot._   
_White hot, flowing through my veins._   
_Numb fingers._   
_Shaking form._   
_Feel legs give, but no impact._   
_I feel nothing as I hit the ground._   
_Numb. So numb._   
_My eyes sting, tears are verging._   
_But they do not fall._   
_They sit._   
_They_ _ taunt _ _._   
_I sit and ponder._   
_Ponder the scorching hot pain that fills my every inch._   
_As if I am being burned._   
_Burnt from the inside, out._   
_My lungs do not function._   
_Stabbing like needles scatter across my organs as I force air down my throat._   
_Physical pain washes over my torso, but it is no match._   
_No match for_ _ pain _ _._   
_Pain is here._   
_Pain is free._   
_Pain will not be defeated._


	5. ;brief

_He is here._   
_I hear his voice travel._   
_I compose in seconds._   
_It is not a challenge anymore._   
_I leave my space of solitude._   
_And he is there._   
_His smile travels from my eyes to my heart._   
_I feel something resembling a former emotion._   
_Joy._   
_Happiness._   
_Comfort._   
_It dissipates._   
_Brief bliss is gone._   
_Too good to be true._   
_He asks me how I'm doing._   
_I smile._   
_I confirm that I am just fine._   
_Smile intensifies, eyes squinting._   
_White hot pain fights behind the scenes, but I ignore._   
_I, too, can betray._   
_Oh, dear pain, I still have this power._   
_Try your hardest._   
_I challenge pain to fight against me._   
_But pain does not._   
_Pain surrenders._   
_Diminishes into nothing._   
_Blank._   
_I force a smile, ever convincing._   
_Light fills his eyes._   
_And we talk._   
_Eternally false conversation._


	6. ;light

_'He's gone.'_   
_The words feel oddly sweet on my tongue._   
_His eyebrows raise._   
_Confirmation falls from my lips._   
_'For good?'_   
_My head bobs in silent assurance._   
_I feel pain snicker._   
_Attempt to fill me._   
_But I fight._   
_And I stay blank._   
_'Good riddance.'_   
_'He was no good.'_   
_Tangible sincerity._   
_Smile grows, feigning gratefulness._   
_He smiles back._   
_Although it is fake, I peg him as my light._   
_Light in darkness._   
_Light in pain._   
_Just then, a question erupts._   
_Pink, beautiful lips emit a proposal._   
_He asks me on a date._   
_And while my pain fills my veins once more, I smile._   
_A forced smile._   
_And I nod._   
_Pain prickles up my arms._   
_He smiles bright._   
_When will he realize?_   
_I am nothing but pain._   
_He will regret everything._   
_And I will_ _ lose _ _everything._


	7. ;taunt

_I remember a time when I dreamt of such a thing._   
_Getting dressed up._   
_Finding the perfect outfit._   
_And going on the perfect date._   
_With a perfect boy._   
_But I no longer ache for such a thing._   
_I have no room for want._   
_All I want is blank pain._   
_All I need is blank pain._   
_White hot is here now._   
_I can feel it licking up my legs and flowing through my torso._   
_It takes its time._   
_It gives me time._   
_Time to feel it's every move._   
_Time to drown in a feeling oh-so-awful._   
_My hands shake as I brush through my hair._   
_I will my mother not to notice my struggle._   
_White hot reaches my finger tips._   
_Then ascends back up my arm._   
_It is teasing me now._   
_Stop this, dear pain._   
_Stop this torment._   
_Fill me once more._   
_I can take it._   
_Fill me whole, please._   
_Just stop with this endless torment of on and off._   
_As I've said once before, give me hell._   
_Allow me to feel your torture as it sinks into my bones._   
_Give me a pain I will never forget._   
_But pain does no such thing._   
_White hot continues to glide across my insides._   
_Effortlessly taunting._


	8. ;false

_Lovely._   
_Everything is lovely._   
_Normally boring streets feel_ _ lovely _ _._   
_Light is with me._   
_He gives such beautiful auras._   
_I feel so open._   
_So free._   
_I smile, and I do not force it._   
_But I do not cling to this feeling._   
_False hope._   
_False happiness._   
_It will all be gone tonight._   
_Behind locked doors, my pain holds true._   
_But, for now, my light will substitute._   
_'Are you hungry?'_   
_He asks._   
_I feel my stomach flip at the thought._   
_I shake my head, no, and assure him that I ate before I came._   
_A lie, of course._   
_He nods and suggests a movie._   
_I deny his suggestion once again._   
_I can feel my skin crawling._   
_Crawling with anticipation._   
_We must do something._   
_My mind is in dire need of distraction._   
_I feel pain clawing._   
_Trying so desperately to surface._   
_But I fight, until light finds a solution._   
_'We could go to the park.'_   
_'Just walk and talk.'_   
_A small laugh erupts in his chest._   
_I smile lightly._   
_I feel relief._   
_A wave of assurance._   
_Pain will subside for now._   
_So we go to the park._   
_We walk._   
_We talk._   
_And I feel the most beautiful night of false happiness._   
_We finish the night, his hand in mine._   
_We finish the night, soft lips meeting in a silent goodbye._   
_And I smile._   
_I smile wide._   
_I feel joy, the most fulfilling ounce of joy._   
_And once in my room, it is gone._   
_Nothing but a memory of the lies my body told me._


	9. ;trickle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains self-harm  
> please do not read if you struggle with this

_A trickle._   
_That's all it takes, just one trickle._   
_A trickle that turns into a drop, hitting the ceramic with effortless beauty._   
_Dark red, contrasting against bright white._   
_A smile._   
_A smile erupts from my insides, watching as crimson continuously flows._   
_But it flows in a trickle, ever underwhelming._   
_More._   
_I crave more, I feel the desire in the pit of my stomach._   
_My eyes sting with tears as sharp metal meets my skin once more._   
_More trickles._   
_More beauty._   
_More smiles._   
_The metal glides across my skin, only breaking the top layers._   
_It doesn't need more._   
_I don't need more._   
_Beauty and bliss._   
_A trickle._   
_A trickle is all it took._   
_Nothing but a simple, tiny trickle._   
_So, so silly, my dear pain._   
_So silly._


	10. ;please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't ask why but this is my favorite chapter

_No._   
_No._   
_It won't work._   
_The trickle doesn't work._   
_I feel white hot pain._   
_I feel it taunting._   
_I feel my insides melting._   
_I feel it burn._   
_I feel it crumble._   
_My skin itches._   
_My fingers shake._   
_Why?_   
_Why?_   
_Please._   
_Please don't take it away._   
_Let me feel._   
_Let me smile._   
_Let it hurt._   
_Trickle._   
_Trickle._   
_Trickle._   
_Nothing._   
_Nothing._   
_ Nothing _ _._   
_Please._   
_Please._   
_ Please. _   
_ Please. _   
_ Please. _   
**_Please._ **   
**_Please._ **   
**_Please._ **   
**_Please._ **


	11. ;beautiful

_Melodious rumbles fill my throat._   
_A soft hum, a soft smile._   
_'What are you smiling about, Nancy?'_   
_My brother smiles with me._   
_I look into his eyes and feel it._   
_The twinge of regret._   
_I feel it as a shock sent straight to my heart._   
_I cannot hurt him._   
_'I'm just happy.'_   
_Such a lie._   
_Such a large lie._   
_But I forget and I smile once more._   
_He nods, his lips curling further upwards._   
_The softest of thuds erupt from our door._   
_I smile, knowing it's him._   
_My mother lets him in._   
_Eyes meet and light emerges._   
_Such a beautiful light._   
_Bright rays, casting yellows and whites over my very being._   
_So beautiful._   
_He meets me on the couch._   
_Then his lips meet my cheek._   
_I smile wide and turn to him, kissing his lips instead._   
_My brother gags, making us laugh._   
_Light has a beautiful laugh._   
_Light is beautiful._   
_I examine him in detail, trying to memorize every inch of his skin._   
_I hope I manage to do so, because I will soon be gone._


	12. ;sadness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains suicide,  
> graphic depictions of self-harm,  
> and lots of blood.  
> Please do not read if you are sensitive to these topics.

_It wasn't any of them._   
_All of them had been spectacular to me._   
_No, it was me._   
_My own fault._   
_I caused my downfall, and now I must own up to it._   
_I have no room for excuses._   
_No excuse for my hurt._   
_I killed my best friend._   
_It was the start of something horrid, something I could not control._   
_I felt reality slip from my fingertips._   
_How is that fair?_   
_Oh, dear pain, how I love you._   
_But how I hate you for making me love you._   
_You are evil._   
_Sadistic._   
_I pity your work._   
_It is anything but exquisite._   
_It is vile._   
_I am done being a puppet and letting you pull the strings._   
_I am done faking a smile, giving you exactly what you crave._   
_I am done._   
_I reach for the faucet, but I do not finish._   
_If I must die under your hand, pain, it will not be traditional._   
_I will not subject to your cruel games._   
_So I sit on the ground._   
_I feel the cool tile beneath my fingertips._   
_My body slides until I'm laying down, where I stare at the ceiling._   
_My eyes fixated on the overhead light._   
_I grimace at the sight of it, wanting to turn it off._   
_That is not light._   
_My light is brighter than this artificial excuse._   
_With dark brown eyes._   
_Dark brown hair._   
_Loving smile._   
_I smile, too, as new tears fall from my eyes._   
_I let out a laugh._   
_It's laced with sadness and hurt._   
_I cry until my throat aches and my skin itches._   
_I stare at the light until my eyes burn._   
_I glare at it, my urges increasing._   
_I feel my arm move before my brain can catch up._   
_I'm bringing the cold metal to my arm._   
_But this time, it won't be a trickle._   
_It will be a waterfall that empties me of life._   
_The blade digs into my wrist, my face contorting in pain._   
_It slides up roughly, struggling to cut through so many layers of flesh._   
_But I succeed._   
_I let out a large breath at the dull ache in my arm._   
_My eyes stay on the artificial light as I switch to my other arm._   
_I give it the same treatment._   
_Once done, I drop the blade into the toilet and flush it down._   
_It hurts to move._   
_I lay down once more and watch._   
_The blood flows._   
_It does what I originally wanted and I smile._   
_A true smile._   
_The first in a while._   
_It fades as I fade._   
_I feel light._   
_So light._   
_A feather._   
_My eyes shift._   
_They fix on the door, waiting for someone to walk in._   
_But no one does._   
_At least, not that Nancy Wheeler could see._   
_She no longer saw anything._

**_~•The End•~_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed this dilogy!  
> I originally intended to write many more books for this and make it a series, but I lost inspiration and figured these were enough of a story within themselves.  
> Thank you for reading!  
> -Apple


End file.
